LXI.

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i’ve been spending a lot of time on rooftops lately.

i wish i had something dramatic, something powerful to say. but instead, the truth is, i’ve just been at a lot of happy hours. rooftop bars are apparently the place to be in nyc in the summer. as such, i’ve been doing a lot of drinking– not because i’m unhappy but it’s because that’s what people seem to do for fun after work.

i don’t entirely understand it. don’t they get exhausted? don’t they run out of money?

a happy hour sounds like a childish promise. for an hour or more, come find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. spend money, but not too much– that’s happiness, isn’t it? here’s a bunch of people you can’t be honest with in the confines of a cubicle– but in the darkness of a pub, it’s so much easier to let your secrets spill.

don’t speak, before we say too much.

i feel so trapped on these rooftops. i see all these people having fun and i wonder, what’s wrong with me that this isn’t my main modem of entertainment?

the truth is, i have so much more on my mind. i’m thinking about what my future’s going to look like in 3, 5, 10 years. i’m wondering how much longer i can stay in this field, in this job. i’m wondering if my family’s okay because lately everyone’s been getting hurt. from my brother in the ER to my recovering heel, i feel like i’ve been on high alert waiting for the next tragedy.

and it’s all so exhausting, waiting for something to happen. i live on my tiptoes, afraid that too much pressure will cause the earth underneath me to crack the way my heel did. i’m trying to learn to live with my feet planted on the ground, but it’s been eight months and very little feels stable in my life. i have a routine, yes, but stability has been fleeting this year. the only thing i really trust right now is my romantic relationship and typing that sentence alone scares me.

i think the truth of the matter is that i’m really scared of what the future may bring and that makes it hard for me to enjoy being in the moment. on this rooftop, i knew i was glassy eyed and withdrawn. i felt like i was suffocating above the city that i love, so i left early with the intention of coming back to meet my friends for dinner. but they got drunk and i fell asleep on the shoulder of the boy that i love as the sun set over the pier. there are moments that i cannot enjoy because i see no meaning in it and honestly, i really wish i could live my life without alway searching for deeper meaning.

but after waking up to see the rosy orange sky after dozing off, i realize now that part of the reason why i’m searching for deeper meaning is because i don’t want to waste my time. a happy hour with people i hardly know is meaningless to me. but looking in the eyes of the person i love, holding my brothers hand as he’s wheeled into the emergency room, watching the summer sunlight filter in through my window– these are the small moments packed with importance. these are the things i don’t want to forget.

forget me not or forget me now, i don’t care. i just want to remember all the things that mattered to me when they did and why i hold onto them. i want to remember who i was at each turn, each twist, each upheaval that comes my way in this life. and i can’t bring the past sense of my selves to the forefront if i do things that don’t matter to me.

i’m searching, i’m wondering, i’m hoping.

that one day, i’ll step onto a rooftop and it’ll feel like home.
that one day, i won’t always wake up alone.
that one day, i learn how to feel hurt and how to let it go.

until then, i’m still roaming the murky depths of the waters ahead of me and putting my faith in the fact that there’s always better up ahead.

 

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life, liberty and the pursuit of a good book & tea.

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